30 Days of Truth (Day Three): Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Ooof. Ok, so I did read all the things I was supposed to write about before getting into this whole thing but still...I'm a little nervous about revealing this bit of truth. Here goes...

I got pregnant young. Nineteen. I was raised in church and abortion was something everyone always told me was wrong. I have always been pro choice, though I never thought I'd actually consider having an abortion. To my utmost shame--I did.
I was young. Scared. And ashamed.
All I could think about was myself. The things I wanted to do with my life and how a baby would ruin everything. So abortion came to mind quicker than I ever imagined it would.
I went as far as making the appointment and showing up for it.
I went into the cold room, with its accusing lights and sterile odor.
No this is not my confession. But it has to do with it so bear with me.
I didn't go through with it.
Never have I run so fast in my life. I just knew I couldn't do it. I just couldn't.
It was a rough pregnancy. I mean, I didn't have any morning sickness or anything like that but when I neared my third trimester, my doctor put me on bedrest because he was afraid for my health. Ultrasounds always came out okay. Nothing was ever noticed.
So I was on bedrest for more than two months. Absolute torture for me.
My due date was New Years Day. A little more than a week before that I started having wretched pain in my abdomen. I passsed it off as false alarms--my water never broke. But the pain was so horrid it wouldn't let me sleep. I couldn't sit, lie down...it just wasn't comfortable. I sobbed that entire night through.
In the morning everyone went to work business as usual. Come noon I couldn't take it. I called my mother in law at the time and she took me to the hospital, where I was told that not only was I in labor...but I had been for at least 24hrs.
Long story short, my body wasn't working properly. They took me to O.R. for a cesarean. Things went haywire when they realized there was not one but two babies.
One which was so weak there would be a slim to nill chance of survival.
There was too much blood loss on my part. I was barely there.
That's when the doctor asked me to make a decision.
Save both and die.
Save one and live.
My heart screamed "Them"
My mouth said something else.
They did everything possible to save it. In the end they barely saved one.
And me.
When I came to the next day, they asked if I wanted to know what it was.
I didn't.
I didn't want to know anything. I didn't want to feel. All I wanted was to be left alone with my daughter and the heartbreaking guilt and emptiness that engulfed me. I was inconsolable. My family didn't understand. They had no idea. How could I tell them? How could I tell them that I chose my life over that of my child? I was a horrible person who didn't deserve to be alive.
It was my fault for even thinking about having an abortion.
I was being punishment for considering the unthinkable.
I love my daughter more than anything. She is my entire world and I'm so blessed to be able to watch her grow. But I've never been able to forgive myself for that selfish choice.
I'm not sure I ever will.
Or if I forgiveness is something I even deserve.

30 Days of Truth (Day Two): Some Things You Love About Yourself

Oh I figured this one would be second. Love and Hate--aren't they usually placed together? Heh heh. I think I can do this. Oh I definitely can. Wow did that sound big headed or what? Ha!


I love that I'm a good listener.

Of coure I love talking...that's just my nature. But I also love listening to people. Doesn't matter if it's about their day, their past, venting...I just love it. And if it's a problem that they're having, and I can help? Even better!


I love that I can sing.

Not the best, derr, but I am pretty good. And I love it because I can sing all the Disney songs my daughter wants at her parties, sing her to sleep, do a mean karaoke routine...LOL. I love singing! I do it all the time.


I love my lips. :D


I love that I can keep one eye still while moving the other.


I love the mole on my face. Err..some say it's a beauty mark. I say it's a mole. But I still love it.


I love my hair.

Yes, after years of frying it, I've finally grown most of the damaged parts out. I'm looking forward to the day it's back down to my waist.


I love that I'm outgoing.

Sometimes people need those 'pushy,' up and at em friends who get them talking. I really like when shy people come out of their shells. I always try doing that. Idk if that made sense. Hmm.


I love that I can take a joke.

Seriously. I can find humor in nearly everything. Especially in myself. Haha! You gotta learn how to laugh at yoruself. It moves things along in sweetness.


I love that I took the chance to travel as a missionary even though I was young and it was way out of my comfort zone.


I love my writing skillz.


I love my speedy reading habits.


I love me :D


Now that I'm sufficeintly full of myself, I shall say farewell.

30 Days of Truth (Day One): Some Things You Hate About Yourself

Hmm...Something I hate about myself? I LOVE myself. ;) Haha. Okay, so there are a few things that I think suck about me but the one thing I really, really, hate is:

I hate that I don't always follow through on my promises.

Yeah. It's bad. Though about 95% of the time I don't do it intentionally. See, my brain works funny. I can retain useless facts, memories, etc...but when it comes to remembering that I promised to do this for someone at this time--blank. I don't know why that is. For example, my friends no longer ask me to pick them up. Not just because I'm currently carless at the moment, but because I won't show up. Either things come up and I'm distracted, or I'll just totally forget. Sometimes ppl ask me to email them and I don't. Or they ask me to write something for them, like a paper (yeah, I know it's bad to write papers for other ppl but who cares...lol...if they don't pass, it's on them) and I don't. Or I'll send it at the very last minute. See? That's another thing.

I hate that I am such a procrastinator!

It's horrible. I'll often leave the dishes until the very last minute, the laundry till there really IS nothing to wear and sometimes I even put off homework until it's almost due. By almost I mean in one hour. Ha! Seriously, you could be talking to me, asking me to do something, and I'll smile and nod and say all the right things but my mind is so not there. Why? Cuz my mind wanders more than it should. You could be talking about how you gotta go get groceries and I'll be wondering why eggplant is purple. You'll tell me you need this and this right now and I'll just nod. But I won't go do it.

I hate that I can't say no.

Or at least I don't say it as often as I should, which only leads to allowing people to dictate my life. I think it's more me trying to please everyone. I feel as though I must say yes, I must be a certain way to please people. There are some who I can truly be myself around but then there are those who just wouldn't understand. A song that comes to mind (and yeah I'm gonna go Disney on you) is the one from Mulan. The one where she is singing, asking when her reflection will show who she truly is. There's this line in it that gets me every time: "Now I see, that if I were truly to be myself...I would break my family's heart." In my case that is true. Oh,  my parents love me. My sibs too, even if they have a funny way of showing it. But even they admit that I confuse the hell out of them. Being unable to say no has also been much cause for regret. My past. I can't help but think--aw heck, I know that if I could just say that two letter word, I wouldn't have wasted all those years stuck with someone I didn't love. Among other things...

I hate that I hid my smile for so long cuz of my crooked teeth.

My bottom two teeth are crooked. Not enough money or lack thereof is to blame. No braces. And I had a tendancy to fall asleep while chewing on pens. Ruined them. Rawr. So I would rarely smile. Self concious and all that stuff. Even talking...cuz you can see them. Or laugh. Oh my laugh...I was SO annoyed by it for years. Sometimes when I laugh really hard, I go silent. LOL. Or it comes and goes in squeaky gasps. I think it's funny now and don't give a crap what people think. :)

I hate that I used to be ashamed of my butt.

Fat. That's what someone called me. I've always had a big butt. And boobs. And since I'm short, it makes me super curvy. LOL. That's the nice way of putting it. So I used to dress in baggy shirts and sweats. Felt ugly. Etc, etc, etc....

I hate that I'm scared of death.

I'm not afraid of getting old. I'm afraid of dying before really living. This is why I live every day as though I won't wake up tomorrow. At least I try to. Sometimes...yeah, sometimes it just doesn't end up happening. Heh heh. But I try.

I hate that when people slip away from my life, I let them.

I do. I don't go after them. I don't ask why. I just let them fade away. Not sure why that is. Maybe it's because I feel like if they're not making an effort, then I must not be worth being friends with. Hmm.

Probably more there but that's enough for now.