Ooof. Ok, so I did read all the things I was supposed to write about before getting into this whole thing but still...I'm a little nervous about revealing this bit of truth. Here goes...
I got pregnant young. Nineteen. I was raised in church and abortion was something everyone always told me was wrong. I have always been pro choice, though I never thought I'd actually consider having an abortion. To my utmost shame--I did.
I was young. Scared. And ashamed.
All I could think about was myself. The things I wanted to do with my life and how a baby would ruin everything. So abortion came to mind quicker than I ever imagined it would.
I went as far as making the appointment and showing up for it.
I went into the cold room, with its accusing lights and sterile odor.
No this is not my confession. But it has to do with it so bear with me.
I didn't go through with it.
Never have I run so fast in my life. I just knew I couldn't do it. I just couldn't.
It was a rough pregnancy. I mean, I didn't have any morning sickness or anything like that but when I neared my third trimester, my doctor put me on bedrest because he was afraid for my health. Ultrasounds always came out okay. Nothing was ever noticed.
So I was on bedrest for more than two months. Absolute torture for me.
My due date was New Years Day. A little more than a week before that I started having wretched pain in my abdomen. I passsed it off as false alarms--my water never broke. But the pain was so horrid it wouldn't let me sleep. I couldn't sit, lie down...it just wasn't comfortable. I sobbed that entire night through.
In the morning everyone went to work business as usual. Come noon I couldn't take it. I called my mother in law at the time and she took me to the hospital, where I was told that not only was I in labor...but I had been for at least 24hrs.
Long story short, my body wasn't working properly. They took me to O.R. for a cesarean. Things went haywire when they realized there was not one but two babies.
One which was so weak there would be a slim to nill chance of survival.
There was too much blood loss on my part. I was barely there.
That's when the doctor asked me to make a decision.
Save both and die.
Save one and live.
My heart screamed "Them"
My mouth said something else.
They did everything possible to save it. In the end they barely saved one.
And me.
When I came to the next day, they asked if I wanted to know what it was.
I didn't.
I didn't want to know anything. I didn't want to feel. All I wanted was to be left alone with my daughter and the heartbreaking guilt and emptiness that engulfed me. I was inconsolable. My family didn't understand. They had no idea. How could I tell them? How could I tell them that I chose my life over that of my child? I was a horrible person who didn't deserve to be alive.
It was my fault for even thinking about having an abortion.
I was being punishment for considering the unthinkable.
I love my daughter more than anything. She is my entire world and I'm so blessed to be able to watch her grow. But I've never been able to forgive myself for that selfish choice.
I'm not sure I ever will.
Or if I forgiveness is something I even deserve.
No comments:
Post a Comment