Hmm...Something I hate about myself? I LOVE myself. ;) Haha. Okay, so there are a few things that I think suck about me but the one thing I really, really, hate is:
I hate that I don't always follow through on my promises.
Yeah. It's bad. Though about 95% of the time I don't do it intentionally. See, my brain works funny. I can retain useless facts, memories, etc...but when it comes to remembering that I promised to do this for someone at this time--blank. I don't know why that is. For example, my friends no longer ask me to pick them up. Not just because I'm currently carless at the moment, but because I won't show up. Either things come up and I'm distracted, or I'll just totally forget. Sometimes ppl ask me to email them and I don't. Or they ask me to write something for them, like a paper (yeah, I know it's bad to write papers for other ppl but who cares...lol...if they don't pass, it's on them) and I don't. Or I'll send it at the very last minute. See? That's another thing.
I hate that I am such a procrastinator!
It's horrible. I'll often leave the dishes until the very last minute, the laundry till there really IS nothing to wear and sometimes I even put off homework until it's almost due. By almost I mean in one hour. Ha! Seriously, you could be talking to me, asking me to do something, and I'll smile and nod and say all the right things but my mind is so not there. Why? Cuz my mind wanders more than it should. You could be talking about how you gotta go get groceries and I'll be wondering why eggplant is purple. You'll tell me you need this and this right now and I'll just nod. But I won't go do it.
I hate that I can't say no.
Or at least I don't say it as often as I should, which only leads to allowing people to dictate my life. I think it's more me trying to please everyone. I feel as though I must say yes, I must be a certain way to please people. There are some who I can truly be myself around but then there are those who just wouldn't understand. A song that comes to mind (and yeah I'm gonna go Disney on you) is the one from Mulan. The one where she is singing, asking when her reflection will show who she truly is. There's this line in it that gets me every time: "Now I see, that if I were truly to be myself...I would break my family's heart." In my case that is true. Oh, my parents love me. My sibs too, even if they have a funny way of showing it. But even they admit that I confuse the hell out of them. Being unable to say no has also been much cause for regret. My past. I can't help but think--aw heck, I know that if I could just say that two letter word, I wouldn't have wasted all those years stuck with someone I didn't love. Among other things...
I hate that I hid my smile for so long cuz of my crooked teeth.
My bottom two teeth are crooked. Not enough money or lack thereof is to blame. No braces. And I had a tendancy to fall asleep while chewing on pens. Ruined them. Rawr. So I would rarely smile. Self concious and all that stuff. Even talking...cuz you can see them. Or laugh. Oh my laugh...I was SO annoyed by it for years. Sometimes when I laugh really hard, I go silent. LOL. Or it comes and goes in squeaky gasps. I think it's funny now and don't give a crap what people think. :)
I hate that I used to be ashamed of my butt.
Fat. That's what someone called me. I've always had a big butt. And boobs. And since I'm short, it makes me super curvy. LOL. That's the nice way of putting it. So I used to dress in baggy shirts and sweats. Felt ugly. Etc, etc, etc....
I hate that I'm scared of death.
I'm not afraid of getting old. I'm afraid of dying before really living. This is why I live every day as though I won't wake up tomorrow. At least I try to. Sometimes...yeah, sometimes it just doesn't end up happening. Heh heh. But I try.
I hate that when people slip away from my life, I let them.
I do. I don't go after them. I don't ask why. I just let them fade away. Not sure why that is. Maybe it's because I feel like if they're not making an effort, then I must not be worth being friends with. Hmm.
Probably more there but that's enough for now.
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