Follow Me

Can't get this tune out of my head. LOL. I've been singing it all day, much to my family's dismay.
I didn't sleep at all last night so there was no morning wake up song.
Therefore I put this up. :)



I love the tune of this song as well as the way he flows the lyrics together.
I really don't have much to say today. I mean I DO have a lot to say but nothing that is relevant to the title of this post. Honestly I just stuck the name of the song in there LOL.
I shall write more later....

Easter Song

Not the song I woke up with but one I sang last Easter at church. And since it's that day again, I figured it would be appropriate.
It's a beautiful song about the crucifixion from the POV of a little girl. It never fails to bring tears to my eyes. I guess I should have posted it on Good Friday but yeah....

It's Alright

The lyrics are perfect.
It's alright. Sometimes you gotta lose 'till you win.
I've lost enough times in my life. Ready for some winning.



What is life without happiness? In some form or another? Not much of one.
Things that make me happy? Hmm...My chickadee for one.
Writing. Reading. Bubble Baths. Sardines. Lilies. Family time. Movies. Cherries.
Oh! Sushi! I LOVE SEAFOOD! Oh my gosh. It's unhealthy how much I love it. LOL!
The first page of a new notebook.
New pens!! Monkeys. Penguins. Horses. Cats. Gummi Bears.
Dove chocolate. Sugar dipped strawberries. Strawberry milk. Mmm...
Slipping on my snuggie straight from the dryer.
Sliding in my socks. Singing and wiggling my butt in the shower. Prank phone calls.
Tweetering. Red light bulbs. The sound of water. The scent left after it rains. (makes me feel like purring)
Cleaning my ears with a Q-Tip. Laughing because I remember something funny from like five days ago.
The smell of pinesol. LOL. Pop rocks.
PICKLES! Not just any kind...the Claussen garlic ones in the fridge deli section.
Elote with the works. The smell of armor all. The smell of the Home Depot's lumber section. MMMMmmm.
Driving on backroads at night. Painting my nails.
Waxing. Haha just kidding. I do not enjoy that.
Colored contacts. Talking to strangers. Traveling. Chinese jump rope.
Oh...the list could go on. But this is already long enough.
The End.

Bliss

Her voice is pretty cool sounding :)



I finished one thing that I was supposed to do this week but unfortunately my paper still sits there unwritten. Dern. I really need to get to it! I want to finish it by tonight! But I probably won't. Grr...
Let's talk about bliss.
My bliss? Unwraveling into a bath at the end of a long day.
Sometimes I unwravel before it starts. Just to get ahead hee hee.
With gummi bears and a bowl of cherries. Oh! Yes!

Breathe

Today's song:



Sometimes I have to pause and breathe. Pausing is harder than breathing. Or maybe it's the other way around. Yeah definitely the other way around. Pausing is simple. Just stop what I'm doing. But breathing...that can be difficult. Every breath...the in and out motion...means moving forward. Moving on. Living. Not that living is something I want to stop doing--it's just hard when you know you'll never get what you want.
I might be crazy and insanely perky most of the time, but there are things I know I won't get in life and sometimes it bugs me. Saying 'oh well' doesn't always work. Lol. Though it's one of my favorite expressions.

On a different subject, I have a lot to do today. Stuff I should be doing right now instead of just blogging about it. Heh heh heh. I am the queen of procrastination. I don't want to write that medical paper. Ugh. I really don't care about the rise and falls of the healthcare system at the moment. And I have to write five pages on it. Super frowny.

Is it already two?! BAH! How come time flies when you are fooling around but when it should go fast--it takes forever?
The End.

What The Hell

Maybe it's cuz I'm extremely tired today but this is my mood at the moment. Not complaining...it's more like I don't give a flying fish about anything at the moment. I kinda feel like piercing my eyebrow and walking around in nothing but cowboy boots and a tiara. Yes. That is my mood.
No, I probably won't do it, but it's a nice thought. Brings a smile to my face. Heh heh heh.

Mmm

Ok it was a toss up between this and Alanis Morissettes Hand in my Pocket.
Toby Kieth totally won.
This is my song :D
Yeah...cuz whiskey is my drink of choice. Lol.



Today I'm being productive. Work was great. Went by fast. And besides getting absolutely NO fb updates on my phone, it's been a good day so far. Right now I'm trying to figure out a plan for May. I got some down. Need some more.
I'll prob post more later today. Gotta get some stuff done.
Ha ok so maybe I won't get that much done. Grr.
I think I'm going to hell.
Not explaining that.
I cried for no reason today. Went to the park with Sarah and then sat on the swings while the kids played Red Rover. (I really didn't think kids still played that! Sweet!) and then just started crying. No not psychopath kind just misty eyed sniffle type kind. Yeah. Idk what's wrong with me.
Been thinking a lot.
Bad bad bad thing.
Oi.
The End.

Squee!

Yeah, it's a squee kind of day :D
I so want to go see POD again. It's been forever since I've seen them perform live. I think it was at the Riviera. Boom is one of my favorites from them, among several others. Their Brown cd is still alive and well in my room. Lol. It's autographed.



I'm amazed at how much energy I had today. Oh ugh these sniffles made me vomit this morning. Gross.
But I think it's finally going away. Woohoo!
This is really hard to write from my sisters phone so I'm making it short.
The End.

Just Me

How convenient. I swear when I woke up I thought the radio was playing cuz this song was so loud. It wasn't. I think my brain just had its volume up too high. Lol.
You know, I think ppl who stop by this blog may think I need psychiatric help.
Perhaps they're right.



Yesterday night was fun. Played some games and made my salsa of death. Haven't made that in ages. It's all gone too. My sister is going to be suffering today heh heh heh.
Grilled with the family. Yes, I love grilling. :) LOVE IT!
I think I've said it before. What if I were different? It seems that bitches get away with more and seem to get ahead faster than nice people. But I don't want to be a bitch. I like the way I am.
Like this song says. I was born this way.
Why change?
So a friend of mine has crossed the line. He's been dancing on the edge for some time but I can usually dissuade him or change the subject before it goes to far. Not today.
He not only showed up at my place..he brought his two girls with him. Did he think that would have a part in my decision? Um..I love his girls. They are beautiful and smart and funny. But that doesn't mean I'm going to change my mind just because of them.
He wants to go out. Hook up. Whatever they call it now. Date.
I guess he got tired of beating around the bush and finally asked me.
I said no. I'm not in the mood for dating. I'm not in a place for dating. And he's not looking for a girlfriend, he's looking for a wife. I know this, he knows this. And I am not looking to be anyones wife at the moment. If ever.
Well...let's just say it would take some convincing. From someone pretty incredible. But for now nope.
Even if I did want to date him, what if it didn't work? That would ruin the friendship.
I know what he feels though. It's lonely sometimes. He deserves to find a woman who loves him and his daughters completely. I am not that woman. Nor will I ever be. That's what I told him. In his mind, I'm the one because we get along so well. I get along with almost everyone. He's got his feelings confused. Poor guy. Now things are awkward. I hope it fades. I like hanging out with him. Unfortunately, now I'm going to have to be careful with how much we hang out, lest he get the wrong idea. Sigh.
I called R and explained what happened. She was not so supportive. Lol. Ok she was in her own way but she's another one of those people who keep pushing me off on guys. It's alright. I know she means well.
The End.

You Learn

You live, you learn. Isn't that the way it goes? It would be nice to learn first and then live but then again...where would the fun in that be?
What have I learned so far in life? Hmm...let me count them.
I've learned that everyone lies. Sometimes even to themselves. I am one of these people. I lie daily. Not on purpose, not always, but I do. That includes myself. But that one is necessary. Bills come and I tell myself it will be fine. Family problems happen and I tell myself it will be fine. Lol. See? Neccessary.
I've also learned my life will always be full of disasters.
Take today:
I woke up with the sniffles. Full on boogers and sore throat. Dern. My cats wreaked havoc on the trash overnight and so there was crap everywhere. The hot water was being repaired in my apt so I took a cold shower (which I needed anyway heh heh) and I realized that not only didI not have any gas in my car has a flat tire (TODAY!) and I dip into the savings I don't have to fix it. Then I went and got myself an ice cream cone at the tastee freeze. Why? Cuz I survived. Survival is key.
Another thing I've learned in life is that blood is thicker than water.
Never realized how true that is. I've always said that I love my family no matter what. But my oh my how that has been tested in the past couple years. My mother, running off to Peru to marry some guy she met online while leaving me, at twenty, to care for my siblings as well as a family of my own. Cuz it was ok? My sister and her deceitful ways... My uncle nearly running me off the road. Ok wait. Him I do NOT forgive. There is no excuse for what he did to my sister and I. Or what he threatened to do. Forgiveness is not going to happen. I don't care if that makes me a bad person. Nobody should have to live in fear of a family member.
He's not even my real uncle. So blood is definitely thicker than water.
I love my family and all their psychotic ways. Lol.
I've learned that some of the people who claimed to be faithful and loving because they represent God, are not. Shunned is what I was. And looked at as if I had leprosy, not a child growing inside of me.
I've learned that regardless of all the shit that has happened to me...there are things worth living for. There are good people left in this world. Ones who truly care and want to see you excell. Ones who don't care if you are who you are. In fact they encourage it.
I've learned how to laugh again. To smile again. Found my inner glow again. I thought it had been snuffed out permanently. Scars don't heal completely sometimes but maybe that's a good thing. Cuz they remind me of what I've survived. Remind me I am a strong person.
Sometimes I need reminding.
The End.

Dreaming

Yes another post in the same day. Took a nap and woke up feeling melancholy. Oh it happens. Hasn't for a good while though. Of course, it could have something to do with the some that kept playing in my dream. Or the dream itself. Or both.
It was a very sweet dream. Sweet and racy. Aren't those always the best?
Sweet because it was like we were there and it was ok. A bit sad cuz we knew it would end sooner than later but..yeah. Racy becaues well...oh please. Like it's hard to imagine.



La veritas? Nu pue est jun.
How sad it is.
Let's not dwell.

Today is friday and so it is a good day, no?
Por unos, si. Pero para mi los dias se sienten the same. Not sure why, pienso que es porque I don't do much that is that different. Like, ayer fue almost el mismo que hoy. I need algo nuevo to do. I really do.
But I already have so much on my plate right now.
That was a random rush of spanglish. Sometimes I gotta watch that. I'll start a sentence in english and switch to spanish. Or I'll add in a random romanian word lol. Then ppl stare. To me it all translates the same though. Sometimes it takes me awhile to realize that ppl are talking to me in spanish and not english. Ha!
Got to watch one of my fave shows today :) WWYD? is excellent. I can't wait till next Friday. Haha.
You know I was thinking about my friend who decided to just up and leave. Ok so maybe there was more to it than that. Lol. I just feel a little miffed at how sudden it was.
Well, he called and made my day. I love phone calls. Especially when they're unexpected and from someone I care about. So that was very cool. We couldn't talk long cuz of the bill. Yikes. I don't even want to think about how much an hour conversation would cost. I'm not even sure where he was calling from. His flight was good. He's getting settled with the wifey. (She sucks) Getting ready to teach starting in May. I'm happy for him. I miss him but he really sounds like that is where he's meant to be. I've never heard him so overjoyed. But man am I missing him.
He always tolerated, if not understood, me. Like ME me, not just the one I try to hold back sometimes. I could show up at his house no matter what the time and he'd wake up to talk. Much to his wife's dismay. I tried not to abuse that privilege too much once he got married.
Funny how as teenagers we hated each other. Friends as toddlers, enemies throughout puberty. Oh the horrible things we'd say and do to each other. Lol. Then he dated my bff and she broke his heart. For some reason that brought us closer. Haha. Nothing like bashing someone after a breakup eh? Then we were inseperable. I even went as far as flying out to his Army base to visit him. I spent a week hiding in his room (civilians aren't allowed) and just hanging.
Our friends always assumed we liked each other. Like liked.
Unfortunately if we would ever have married, one of us would have died.
No scratch that. He would have died.
While we get along like nothing else, we butt heads just as much.
Now once again we are forced to correspond via snail mail and email.
The End.

Messy

This song always makes me laugh. It seems like the type of thing a guy would say to a girl and not the other way around but that's why I love it so much.
Oh what a lazy day today feels like. I'm now at the library trying to get as much done online as I can. Since my laptop will be MIA for at least another month. Super frowny face.
I was hoping it would be ready by this weekend but unfortunately that's just the way my luck goes.
Nothing ever has been, is or ever will be easy for me. Story of my life.



There's this old woman who is always at the library. She's stiting in the cubicle beside me right now and humming what I think is CeeLo lol. She's cute. I always feel bad for her because I know she's a bit nuts and homeless. Oh man. This winter was brutal too. I came here a few times a week and drove her to the shelter cuz...well I have a car, I had the time, and so why not? Why should I let her walk or wait in that awful weather for a bus that sometimes doesn't come. (the city really needs to get on that) That would be so bitchy if I did that. And well, much as I tried for awhile (seriously) I just can't be bitchy. Except once a month. Lol. So stay away during that time. Haha!
Yeah so that's a good deed of mine for the witner. Still gotta find one for spring. Summer is the soup kitchen. Oh man that's gonna suck. It always gets so hot in there! At least I don't have to cook. Hee.
Enough about do goody things.
As for the title of this post. Life is messy. I've come to realize that those messes are what makes life though. So my mess at the moment? Uh, trying to gather the nerve to tell my mother about my big D. Ugh.
Oh that's not going to be pretty. Much as I love my mother, and I do--she is one of my closest confidants--there are some things she's a bit edgy about. Which is dumb in my opinion because she herself has been divorced. So what the hell?
Hm. I guess in her mind it was ok because she was forced into the whole marriage thing. Oh man. I wonder what her reaction is going to be when I explain...things.
I probably won't. Not as much. She's a little...naive. Kinda like an overgrown child. Ok that sounds mean but she's not the brightest bulb. I am not ashamed of her. I'm proud of both my parents. My mother never graduated highschool because she got pregnant with me and then she married another guy. Whom I consider my father on all accounts. My biological father was never around. So in my mind he doesn't really count.
I think my dad has an idea that I'm not his. My mother never told him. She didn't even tell me until I turned twelve. But it's painfully obvious...the differences between us. He never went past eight grade. But they made it. And raised us the best they could. So how could I not be proud of them?
But yeah my mom is a little naive. She knows so little about the world. Sometimes it was me protecting her when I was growing up. Defending her when my friends or other adults made fun. Grrr. So that's why I might keep some things from her. Why ruin her view of everything? I survived. No harm done. Well, not anymore.
Well. We'll see how this whole mess plays out by next week.
The End.

Blank Face

I couldn't find a video for my song this morning. It's from a musical. South Pacific. Doesn't matter lol, it's a wierd one.
Why the blank face? I lost all train of thought for like fifteen minutes. Not sure what happened. Could have been that energy shot I had. Those things are probably not good for me. They probably kill brain cells!
So I was thinking about getting the band back together for a reunion. Now that would be something fun to do! How awesome. We haven't had a jam session in forever. And now that one of us has actual studio privileges, we could make an even better cd than that one we did before. Oh how I miss singing in public!
It's ok. I do my singing everywhere else now.
I really wanna go see Suckerpunch :( Nobody wants to go with me.
My boss asked me a question today. Just a question with no double meaning behind it but it got me thinking.
She asked," Where do you see yourself in ten years?"
Hm. That's a good question.
One I never really thought about. I mean I do, but not to the  point where I feel there should be a plan laid out for me to follow or anything like that. I'm more of a 'take it as it comes' type person. I love spurr of the moment type things and when things don't go as planned. Yeah it's a pain in the butt but it makes things interesting.
Geez. Ten years from now? I can say where I HOPE I'll be.
I'd like to be published by then. Perhaps a couple books. I'll be thirty five so I don't think that's too much of a leap. I'd like to have a career. Which is another thing I need to think about. More like rethink. I'm at a crossroads with that one right now and I'm trying to decide whether I should go left or right. A wrong decision could spell disaster. Or at least unhappiness.
Then again if publishing does take off...would I really need that schooling? Ugh. So many questions and decisions.
Oh and ten years from now my chickadee will be sixteen. Holy moly!
Not sure about having a house and all that. That seems like a big step too far away from reach right now. And in all honesty I'd rather just not know yet.
Not sure where that question came from. I guess she gets very 'thinky' as she calls it, when having her morning coffee. I like her.
Apparently some people think it's pretty sad that I've only been with two people in my life. Not that I'm old. I don't think it's sad. I do find it a bit awkward that a lot of teenagers who aren't even sixteen have had more sex partners than I, at twenty five, have. Is it really that easy? It's not for me. I'm...ok not selective. That's an ugly word to use to describe it...more like careful. Two partners. I'm thinking of making it three. Three in a lifetime is a good number. I think. Not anytime soon. It would be a big jump for me if it happened that quickly and I'm not ready. But someday. Nah, not like five years or anything. I'm thinking more of a year from now. Maybe less. Lol. Idk yet. Besides, it's not like it would be easy to do. There would have to be plans.
I suppose I should run tonight. I'm not really feeling up for it. I'm tired but not sleepy. I think I'll bug the world with my tweets. :D Oh yeah. That sounds like fun.
The End.

Sexy

I feel incredibly sexy today. Not sure why...perhaps this song. LOL. But I do. Even with my nesty hair this morning and though I probably smell like something bad...ok I know I do...here at work, I feel sexy.
I even did my hair and makeup, just to go to work. The old people were very impressed.
*snigger*



It's going to be a very good day. So far so great!
A good hair day is always great. Yay for new shampoo!
I'm very proud of myself! I have been sticking to my diet this entire week. Forcing breakfast down my throat is not fun though. I'm not a big fan of the meal. Or of grapefruit. And the only thing 'special' about Special K is the idiot who decided it could be considered a meal.
Ok I'm a little snappish. I can't help it.
I'm on my break at work and all I had for lunch was a tuna salad sandwich. And a water bottle. Yummy.
I'm looking forward to dinner. Is that wrong? Heh heh heh. Probably.
Working out hasn't been going well. I did once this week. Should probably go again before the weekend. I dance though. Sure it's in my apt and my own moves but I usually sweat a great deal. I still remember my jazz and ballet moves and warm ups. Those get the blood flowing. I signed up for belly dancing classes. They start mid May. Woohoo! Now that's going to be interesting. Maybe I can get R to join with me.
Probably not though.
I feel like going home and laying on my bed naked as the day I was born.
Maybe I will. And maybe take an air bath. Like Ben Franklin. Lol. Yes!
The End.

Good-Bye

The music video for the song playing in my head this morning sucks and is a little strange but it's the only thing I could find. Well...right now. Laptop cometh to me soon!
Lol
Ok so today is a sad day. Well, it was a sad night. I said goodbye to a long time best friend. We grew up together. Since five years old we've been trouble. To each other, to others, and just in general. Heh heh. He is one of the few who gets me. Though not always. At least he puts up with me.
And now he is off to be a missionary in another country.
He has major kudos. Major props.
But it still hurts to see him leave. Knowing he won't be around, nearby, to just call and hang with. Oh man.
And this was our song. Lol. We'd blast it from the speakers in his car/truck and just act like complete idiots.



So it figures that this would be today's song.
I don't wanna write more today.
I know it will be a good day overall. It can never be a bad day when there are so many other good things in my life. So yeah...:)
The End.

Hmmm

Well this is a song I have not heard or sung in the longest time. How incredible that it came to me like this. Wow. I serisously forgot about this song. I sang this in church as my first solo...I think I still have the sound recording. Hm. Shall I post? Maybe. We'll see. I might just rerecord it. Though I don't have guitar so I won't be able to play any music to it.
It's a very poetic and deep song. I really love Jennifer Knapp. She was always one of my favorite Christian artists.



It was a refreshing morning wake up call.
Got my good morning message too.
Now off to start the day. Whoohoo!
Lol. I really need my laptop back so I can make these posts just a bit longer.
The End.

Whisper To Me

I love whispering. Whispering in the dark is best. With a best friend, sibling, or lover....whispering in the dark is something that is almost perfect. It's like...you can say anything. Anything at all and it's ok because you can't see a thing. All you do is hear. Listen. And boy do you hear things between the words that are being spoken. Am I being stupid? Perhaps. I don't really care. That's what I think.
I wonder if I will ever find someone whom I can whisper with.
That is why this song, along with the video I posted up below, is so...Aahh..




No romance has not been a part of my life. Not a major part. And I don't expect it to play a major role in it from here on out. Still, I would be happy with just one moment...just one. Even if it didn't lead anywhere beyond that point. Which it wouldn't, I'm pretty sure. How sad is this getting? Incredibly.
I never thought I'd even consider the posibility of the L word again. And now...
I gotta keep it to myself I guess.
It's best that way. Been doing it for a while now anyway. Sometimes things are better left unsaid??
Maybe.
I'm thinking on screen. Lol. How wierd.
My brother thinks I'm insane. He wants me to come live with him and save for a house. Idk about that. I love him and I know it would be fine. But I like my personal space. Doing what I want. Not that he would stop me but it's just not the same. And plus, I think he thinks I'm not safe to live alone. Hee hee. Ah childhood memories. They probably worry him.
I once slapped him in the face with a shoe.
Now that was funny!
Not at the time. He slapped me back. Then my mom slapped him. It was a regular slap fest. She beat him good and told him never hit a woman no matter what. He learned his lesson. I've never seen my mother hit anyone with a broom before. But my brothers are huge so it didn't hurt him much.
I luvers my brothers.
Today was rather interesting. Had someone be not so nice to me. I guess some person was having a bad day and wished to take it out on me. It's ok. Nothing broken.
I hope she is in a better mood tomorrow.
This is going to be rather short. I have some writing to do and an email to type.
The End.

Save Me

Ok, not 'save me' in the literal sense heh heh it's just the lyrics that have been playing in my mind all day. This band is amazing and this is one of my fave songs from them. Bunch of thoughts run through my mind when I hear this and today was no exception.




It's an incredibly sweet song if you really listen to it. And I really love it. So maybe I'm reading too much into the lyrics. Who knows. For all I do know the artists could have been talking about a freaking banana. LOL.
Ugh. Ew. Wierd.
Nothing like waking up to a beautiful sunny day. Oh sun! :)
I got to go horseback riding today. Double smiley for that. Oh yeah. I haven't been in forever. I love the fact that my 'sis in law' is outgoing and not afraid to get dirty. Not a prissy girly girl like most. Very cool. Figures that my horse's name was Trouble. No trouble happened though. It was like kismet. The preserve we went to was perfect and really made me feel as though I was back in the Wild West as a pioneer woman...especially when I kicked Trouble into a full out run!
Now it's time to relax by the fire with some drinks and then perhaps a round of 3man later tonight.

Whatever

I repel technology. It hates me. I think the 1800's would have been more appropriate for me. Lol. Alas, another laptop bites the dust. Thank goodness this one is fixable. Virus. Grr..
Even with that, I had a great wake up song today! Oh yeah. And it totally fits my mood. Whatever.
Whatever happens, happens. Whatever I say, I do, I think, feel....is my own beeswax. LOL.





Hooray! I needed an upbeat tune today. There was a smile on my lips and a groove in my step as I got dressed this morning. Blasted the song once my chickadee woke up and we had ourselves a mini dance session. I love sweet moments like that.
Work was smooth last night. I miss peeing man. Yes, even though he drove me nuts :) Jesus Lady is still there. LOL. She's cute. Blind as a bat that one and still wandering up and down the hallway with her walker. Always muttering, "Oh Jesus. Help me, Jesus. Are you there Jesus?" Funny thing is that other than the memory loss and blindness...her health is superb. Quite fit for an older gal.
Another one of my faves is one I call Watchitman Heh heh. Because he's always asking the time so you'll be distracted long enough for him to take a whack at your ass. Dirty old man. :D
I'm so glad Ladies Night wasn't a total bust. Ang had to work and R is still in the Big Apple so it was just S and me with a chick flick and a cheap bottle of wine. Which worked out perfect for me too cuz my babysitter was unavailable.
You know, I've met some pretty amazing people I would hever had the chance to meet if it weren't for the internet. Some ppl just use it to be more of an ahole than they already are but them aside, I am thankful for the truly good ones. I made it my mission to find one thing (at least) to be thankful for each day. There really is so much. Even if my mood is foul. So I am thankful today for my SNLW's and my PIC--who I hope comes back soon!
The End.

Bad Day

Remembering certain parts of my life sometimes brings tears. This morning's song made me think about those parts. I won't put which song so I don't kill it for whoever. If anyone is reading. Lol. I know at least one is.
These memories came flooding even faster when my ex showed up with roses and one of the best apologies to ever leave his lips.
Did you know words can hurt worse than a slap in the face? I've experienced both. Trust me, I know.
I almost fell for it. Almost.
Those first memories that came back were the good ones. Ah seventeen. The courting, (yeah) and him actually waiting two years. It's one of the reasons I never dated before then. No guy was willing to wait for sex that long.
Then of course I got knocked up at nineteen. Hmm. Should have waited a little longer. But my chickadee is the best thing so I don't regret that.
Next memories to hit me? The bad ones. Yeah. Married too early against my better judgment. I never wanted to get married. Not until I was thirty five. Maybe not at all. But it seemed like the 'right' thing to do and then there was the whole church thing....anyway.
The next few years were hell. I wrote a poem about it.

She breathes and I breathe with her

Every ragged breath a whisper

Of the misery that's promised from the moment she wakes up

And she wonders how it happened

When did they lose the magic?

When did laughter become

Something to be punished for?

She cries and I cry with her

Tears like blood soaked rivers

Trailing down the angry marks

She sometimes has to hide

Their desire used to smolder

Memories are what hold her

And she wishes that man she loved

Would come back to her again

She moves and I move with her

As she pushes herself harder

To be the picture perfect woman

He says she'll never be

His words begin to haunt her

His demands only get harsher

It's hard to keep her head held high

With the things she's forced to do

The days are lonely and long

Waiting for the next thing she'll do wrong

But darkness brings more fear

Because it's when he holds her near

She shuts her eyes and whispers to herself

If you touch him just right

You might survive the night

Put all emotion away

And you'll be okay

He doesn't mean to do this

He doesn't like getting mad

Just take what he gives you

It really doesn't hurt...so bad

She weeps and I weep with her

For the truth is that I was her

I'm learning what I thought was love

Wasn't meant to be that way

Now who she was is dead...I died with her

I've buried the remains of her with who I used to be.

Kind of a downer. I had a good long chat with a friend who set me right. Reminded me what I already know. I'm no longer a victim. He's only trying to mess with me because I'm actually moving on without him.
His only redeeming quality, in my eyes, is that our chickadee is his entire world. Every ounce of love he once directed at me is hers. How is that possible? How can a man be so good everyone else but one person?
Ugh. No use pondering that.
The End.

Joyous

Yes, joyous is how I feel this morning. Despite things that go wrong for me on an almost daily basis, I do feel a lot of joy. For everything. My life is not perfect but it's perfect for me. I only hope it gets better. Aw, what am I saying? It can only get better.
On that same joyful note, my morning song matches very well:




Yup. I woke up with that tune on my lips and I'm pretty sure I was singing it yesterday too. It's one of my favorites. You can't help but smile when you hear it.
Yeesh. I guess I am too perky for my own good. But it's been so long since I've been...allowed to be myself. And I'm going to do just that from now on.
It was all in all a great day. I got some writing done, though not as much as I'd like to have done. I made waffles with my chickadee. They were edible. Let's just leave it at that. Lol.
I'm trying to learn how to cook. More. I can cook but my skills are limited when it comes to the culinary arts. I'll draw you a picture and write you a story, no problem. Cook eggs? Uh...yeah...not happening.
Holy moly the price of gas is just ridiculous! I used to be able to fill up with twenty five bucks. Now it's almost forty! What the heck is going on? Am I going to have to start biking?
Actually that's not a bad idea. Well, besides when I take the chickadee with me. Then it would be a problem.
Got myself an iPod shuffle :) Lame or not I LOVE it. It's my first iPod in forever. Pretty affordable. Which is why I got it. Now I'm in love with the iPad though. But that is a dream for another time in my life. No way can I afford it now.
The End.

Spontaneous

Oh a different tune! I love it! Funny thing is I've only heard this once before. Apparently my subconcious liked enough to store it in my memory. Interesting. Very interesting.




The lyrics are what I like most so that's why I picked this instead of the original video. Though the music is pretty great too. So yeah, that's what is on my mind this morning. The wind outside is amazing. I feel divine just standing in it. Gonna post more later...


8:45 PM

Yeah that was a short blurb this morning and I didn't feel like making a new post. So here I am again on the same. Hee.
Argh! Today was fun but ARGH!
A certain dear friend of mine joined me and my chickadee at the park today for some fun. Frisbee. Yeah so much fun LOL. It was all well and good until the frisbee took on a mind of its own and rode the wind into the lake. Just near the edge so I though what the hey? I can get it. Right?
Wrong.
This friend screamed at the top of her lungs, "Crocodile!"
I was so frightened by the sound of her voice that I lost my footing, slipped, and fell into the water. The nasty dirty lake water. With fish in it.
Of course we didn't drive there since it's only a few blocks away, so I was forced to walk the walk of shame...soaking wet. You know that wouldn't have been so bad if my pants weren't white. Lol. Some ppl got quite a show.
Humiliating to say the least.
And yeah, okay, funny. Not at the time but now it is. *snigger*
I'll get her back, oh don't you worry.
The End.

Thinking (2)

Oh it was rough today. I think my engine broke down for a bit around two in the afternoon. Lol. Got it fixed though. Sugar does that for me. Caffiene on the other hand, does bad things to me.
I thought the second job at the hospital would be a bit easier since all I'm going to be doing is blood draws and EKG's. No such luck. There are lots of them to do and all over the place. So half the time I was running like a nut trying to meet the deadline for the tests and the other half trying to figure out where exactly the rooms were. Oh dear. I know I'll get it eventually. It's just not fun at first. Being new and all.
I did have a wonderful surprise when I got home :)
My sister and 'cousins' were there grilling. And so was my chickadee. Squee!
It was a great afternoon. We had fun and then I went to the VBS for the last puppet show. How sad that it's over already. It was a great one this year though. Better than last year. The kids adored Stella Love Dove and her quirky remarks. Unfortunately there isn't another puppet show until after Easter. In a way that's a good thing cuz I'll be busy with other things too.
My nights have been a lot more interesting lately :)
And that will have to be left at just that. No I do not wish to elaborate.
The End.

Thinking

Not a wink of sleep last night.
Okay, maybe an hour. Tops.
Shoot my boot. I'm gonna be running on empty soon. Already at work--16 today. Oi. It's slow at the moment though so I thought I'd post before it picks up. And before I bombard the world with my useless tweets and fb statuses. Heh heh heh.
Now this morning I woke up with a song I haven't heard in YEARS!!
Which is sad cuz it's such a beautiful song. Into the playlist it goes. Take a listen, it's just beautiful.



So yeah I woke up with tears in my eyes. Just for awhile. It just made me wonder if that type of love is even possible. I've seen couples who truly love each other and stay that way. The guy adores her, and she in return loves him with more than she dreamed. Is that even possible for me? Ha. Probably not. In fact I kinda just feel like giving up on that dirty four letter word altogether. I mean, it hasn't worked for me before. I'm not one to give up easily either. But after six years of misery...what else is there to do?
I don't wanna dwell on that subject too much. There will be plenty of time later to think of it, I'm sure.
I may need coffee. Cripes! Did I just type that? Hmmm...
Oh well, it will be a great day. I'll post more later.
Not The End..Yet

Always More

You know, I'm starting to wonder if maybe I was not meant to sleep. I certainly don't get much. Oh well.
There is always more in my world. Always more to do, more to say, more to think, dream and pray for. Those are the thoughts I woke up with this morning.
Morning wake up song? Here it is:



Good song and one I haven't heard in awhile. Guess what's getting added to my playlist?

Moon-like periwinkle sugar dances on the backs of jam filled hedgehogs. They dip and swirl like the color of hummingbird wings. Come and join the rhythm of this enchanted dream.

Just had to get that out there. It just kinda popped into my mind.
Anywho, back to this morning's song. It caused my mind to wander (much like always) back to that last fall my sibs and I spent with both our parents together. Before the divorce. I was sixteen. 17 was spent listening to arguments and then 18 they divorced. But that fall was just...That's like one of those picture perfect memories you never forget. Doesn't matter if it was all pretend--well, on our parents end--because to us it was just....Bliss.
Hmmm...I'm starting to wonder about these 12 and 16 hour shifts I signed up for. With two jobs--oh my. This is going to be rough. I'm getting ready (well I should be) for a twelve today. Then it's VBS/puppets right after. I'm looking forward to it. I love doing them. Heck, I love kids. Their messes, tantrums, etc...They just bring out the inner child in me. And I am a great puppeteer. I get to introduce a new character. Stella Love Dove. Lol.
Church related or not I'm up for it at any time. Technically I'm not part of that church or any other for that matter, but they let me do the shows cuz I'm free and the skits are always bible based.
Plus I know the pastor.
I miss my chickadee. But she comes back to me tomorrow.
The End.

If Only

Ah...how many endings could that begining have? Oh so many.
My 'if only' for the day? If only I were a millionaire. Then I wouldn't have to kill myself working two jobs. I wouldn't have to pinch pennies or feel that awful twist in my stomach when another bill comes in the mail.
Okay, so I'm whining. It's just my mood at the moment. Could it have anything to do with the hospital bill that arrived today? Possibly. Dang, if I were a millionaire, I'd have more time to spend time with my chickadee, to write, to...alright I'm holding my horses. :) Down boys!
Besides that, it's going to be a fantastic day. I'm sure work will suck at some points but other than a few bruises and some foul smelling adult diapers it should go fairly well.
April already, my how time flies. I still can't write 2011 without a double take. Lol. Pretty soon it will be Easter! Which means eggs filled with candy. Haha, I know, it means more than that. :P
So myjournal.com which is where I was before, got on my nerves. The layout did anyway. I don't have time or the patience to move previous posts onto here. I don't have a clue how to do it either and I figured it would probably be best not to kill my brain cells trying to figure that one out. So I'm starting fresh here.
I'm excited that today is April Fools >:)
Childish though it may seem, I truly enjoy playing pranks on people. And since it only comes around once a year, I figure all is forgiven.
Today I woke up with this song in my head: "My Neck, My Back by Khia"
Uh, yeah...not sure why. I don't pick the songs--my mind just does it. Lol. I guess it's my own special quirk. I always wake up with a song playing in my head. Hopefully tomorrow there is a better track on.
I've gotten most of my jokes out of the way. I did them early hee hee.
My dad was NOT amused. Heh heh, and my mother wanted to strangle me. My sibs were the only ones who knew it was coming. Damn. They got me! Omg they so got me. They called saying my sister was in jail, which is not entirely unlikely, so I totally fell for it.
It was great :)
I ran this week. Just once. My hip was sore for a couple days after so I didn't run again. I guess I'm not completely healed yet so I'm going to give it another week before trying a full out run. I'll walk for now. I gotta keep active cuz these past few weeks of not excercising has caused me to gain weight. NO! So now I have twelve more pounds to love on me. Haha.
I've been thinking of going on a diet. Like a real diet. Problem with that is though I know I can do it, I'm not going to be too happy about it. We shall see...
My chickadee is so funny. She thinks she can outsmart me by using the big words that I taught her. I let her think she can sometimes. It's cute to watch her hop around in excitement. I love the internet cuz even though she's not with me, I can still video chat with her. Better than a phone call.
The End.